just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
