So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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