So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
