I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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