Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
