so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
