I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
