i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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