please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
