I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
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I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
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Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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