theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My vagina is officially offended.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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