Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
