Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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