Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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