You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
