somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
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I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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