just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i think i just lost a toe
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
