i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
