I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the condom got lost in my hair
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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