I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
