I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
