sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
