She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
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some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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