Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
