I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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