May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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