before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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