I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
