My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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