So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
