i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
