If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
