dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
