Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
