I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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