Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
MIDGETS
????
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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