when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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