Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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