Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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