Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
You're my little dorito
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have already put on my inside pants.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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