god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
