The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
