My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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