Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
