I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
