What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
