If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
