there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
