Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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