I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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