At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
