She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Randomize
