how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
