I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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