That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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